"Whatever You Want it to be"

As a kid one of my favorite movies was Pretty Woman.  I had no idea what a prostitute was or why people treated her badly, but I knew I didn't like those mean uppity store clerks.  When Edward asks Vivian what her name is, her response is "whatever you want it to be."

Fast forward many years later and I still refer to that quote especially when talking about my clients and religion.  As a person who works around death you can imagine the emotionally charged situations I find myself in every day.  When dealing with the death of a loved one many people lean on faith.  This makes perfect sense to me.  That's why I never let my lack of faith be known to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one.  At that time my religion is "whatever they want it to be".

My grandmother is the perfect example.  Being already very religious, the death of my mother really pushed my grandmother further and further into her place of comfort.  This presented a problem for me.  My religious friends accused me of being hypocritical because I refused to debate religion with my grandmother. Though I welcome any debate under regular circumstances. My grandmother, in her infinite grief, wanted to believe that my mother was in Heaven and communicating with her through various "supernatural" occurrences.  (By "supernatural" I mean not in the least bit supernatural by my standards).

Though I did not think that a hopping bunny (no, I'm not kidding)  was a sign that my mother was trying to communicate with my grandmother, I pretended I did.  Every time my well meaning and obviously distraught grandmother regaled me with stories of my mothers "visits" I listened and agreed.  Did I feel a bit dirty doing this?  Sure, but it wasn't about me.  It was about a sweet old woman who lost her only daughter without any warning.

Losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother.  I can't imagine anything worse and I don't even have any children.  Though I lost a mother, my grandmother lost her daughter and in my eyes that was far worse.

Death is difficult regardless of what faith you follow or don't follow.   What we all have in common regardless of faith is the desire to be with those we love.  While I may not believe that there is life after death, I must admit that part of me wants there to be. I want my grandmother to be with her daughter again just as much as I want to see my mother again.  This desire is as innate as the love between a parent and child.  The difference is that I recognize the desire as a natural, not a supernatural one.

My problem with religion is when it screws with that innate desire.  When a child commits suicide, the parents are expectantly distraught.  The worst thing a person of faith could hear is that their loved one will not be awaiting them in Heaven.  I sat in the other room whilst a pastor (and family friend) told roughly 150 guests at a child's funeral that this kid would get into Heaven only because he had dedicated his life to Jesus prior to committing the ultimate sin.  As if these parents should be grateful that their pastor decided Jesus would let him into Heaven because he was worthy in His (or the pastor's) eyes.

When a tragedy occurs in a family it is not the time to impart religious will.  I have repeated the "he is in a better place" mantra in various forms over a thousand times.  I tell people that I think life kind of sucks (which is true) and that what comes next MUST be better than this (though not necessarily true). I tell mourners what they need to hear because, again, it is not about me. 

Perhaps if more of us were able to suspend judgement or at least suspend the desire to voice it once in a while we would all be better off.  If you believe you will see the love of your life again in the great beyond, I agree with you.  If you believe that death is the ultimate end, I agree with you.  I will be whatever you want me to be because in that moment its not about religion and its not about me.

"You Will Blow the Doors off Hell"

My buddy the "Green Card Guy" (see previous post) approached me about my relgious beliefs (or lack there of).

"Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior yet?" 

"No, I don't believe in religion.  But, I respect everyone's right to believe and worship as he or she so chooses."  I tried to soften my hedonistic blow just a little.

"Well I tell you what young lady, if you don't change your mind soon and accept Him as your Lord and Savior you are gonna blow the doors right off of hell." He didn't mince words and I kind of liked that about him.  Sure I would be banished to the fiery pits of eternal damnation but at least he thought I would make a grand entrance.  I thought that was a compliment.  It wasn't.

"What do you think hell is?" I asked Green Card Guy

"It's complete darkness where you have no connection to the light of our Lord.  Its a terrible place and you will be sorry."

I get that I should have been offended but I wasn't. "Well, Mr Green Card Guy (obviously, I used his real name here), I am so honored that you are concerned with my salvation.  That means a lot to me."  I smiled sweetly and walked away.  It was not the response he was expecting, but it was a perfect one if I may say so myself.

I don't understand why hell is the go to response when a "believer" meets a "non-believer".  Its like a kid on the playground that threatens another kid for having red hair.  It won't make the weaker kid's hair grow back a different color regardless of how many slugs he gets.  Threatening me with eternal damnation isn't going to suddenly make the Jesus myth seem reasonable to me.

"You say I am going to hell?  Well, that changes everything!  Quick someone get me a rosary stat!"

All my coworkers think I am going to hell.  Maybe I am sick, but I love to play that up.  I say things like "you know how I'm going to hell anyway..."  their response is unanimously "yes".  Like anything I say or do is somehow clouded by how I have no sense of morality because I don't love Jesus. Or at least I don't love him anymore than Zeus or Brahma or any other religious character.

I think it bothers them that I don't fit into some stereotype of what an irreligious person should be.  For a few of them I am the first atheist to cross their path.  They think we are all sitting around getting high and touching ourselves to images of Satan, or worse Bill Maher.  Maybe I am supposed to have fangs and a few face tattoos.  I don't know what they expected, but I am obviously not it. That's what makes this so much fun.

Crazy Sh*t Old People Say- Green Card Edition

Before I get into this post let me just say that I love my co-workers.  I am not trying to disparage the elderly in any way.  I think they are great.  However, some of the sh*t they say is just insane. It's like their social acceptability radar hasn't been updated since 1962.

The things they say are so insanely socially unacceptable that they go way beyond offensive.  Yet, like a kid you can't get angry at them because the intent isn't evil, just ignorant and sometimes very, very funny. Of course, they don't think they are ignorant.  And, let's be honest, they will never change.  They will see the world in their way until they die and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Once one of these well meaning (but a bit socially stunted) old men asked me if I had a green card.  Since I wasn't born in this country he assumed that I must be illegal.  Another co-worker heard this and cringed.  This could have been an HR nightmare.  The other coworker instantly came to my defense (I was laughing too hard to repond).

"She couldn't work here if she didn't" he educated my old pal.
"Yes", I replied, "we work for a multibillion dollar company trust me they checked me out."
"Is it valid?" the old guy asked (again perfectly innocent, no mal intent). At this point my other co-worker walked away probably afraid for his job.
"Yes, it is. "
"How long you had it?"
"Many years."
"Oh OK, as long as its good."  I think he was  a bit relieved.

I found this exchange hilarious.  Especially since I work with another foreign national from Canada (who happens to be white) and he has never questioned her legal status.  The Canadian, who happens to be a good friend, was horrified that this exchange took place.  What she thought was a HR issue, I thought was  the coolest thing to happen to me that day.  Believe it or not working in a funeral home isn't as exciting as many would believe.  When I started working there someone told me they had ghosts, she lied. 

Perhaps I am missing that "chip" that makes me sensitive to ignorance.  I love moments like this.  Its a great opportunity to see how some people think and hopefully teach someone something.  If nothing else can we just enjoy the hilarity of moments like these?

I get that we live in this super politically correct society where everyone must toe some imaginary line.  But, if we aren't open to allowing questions like these aren't we just perpetuating the ignorance?  I never want anyone to be afraid to ask me something.  Of course I may tease, but I am not offended.  Maybe my skin is a bit thicker than most, or maybe our society has become a bit too sensitive.

Outted At Work

"I didn't know you were one of those," J (so I will call her) pulled me aside and whispered (though no one was around).
"One of what?" I asked.
"One of those horrible people", she whispered.  J looked at me like I was supposed to know what she was talking about.  Obviously I didn't, but was curious about where this was going.
"I'm a terrible person," I joked, "but you have to be more specific my dear."
"You know, one of those who don't believe in," she lowered her voice, "in... God"

Oh Fuck!  Not this again!  My atheism is truly the worst kept secret in my company.  Yet, when someone "outs" me I get to hear it all over again.  Sometimes I wish I could just send out a newsletter.  No, I don't eat babies and yes, I have heard about Jesus (emphasis on the Je).  I am sure that most atheists don't have such a difficult time "coming out" but then again most atheists probably don't work in a funeral home, in Florida, where her average coworker is in his 70s and carries some sort of religious designation (Deacon, Reverend, Pastor, etc.)

Everyday I come to work surprised that no one I work with has peacefully "gone to see Jesus" in his sleep. Suffice it to say, my view of the world is not a popular one amongst those who are closer to the grave than I by many decades.  It's not that I want anyone to die. Though I must confess that I, too, want the rapture to come about.  Since that would eliminate my having to defend my beliefs every minute of every day.  Oh, the time I would save!

So, how did I get "outed"? Well, it, started when I was asked the dreaded question, "What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church." I hoped that would be the end of it.  It wasn't.
"Why not?" Mr. Significantly Older than me asked
"Because I don't believe in God."

Holy Shit ( pun intended) you would think that I had just confessed to being a pedophile. It was the comment heard round the world (or at least the funeral home).  Little did I know I would be spending the next year and a half justifying why I don't believe in a magical baby born of a virgin on December 25.  How I didn't hate God because he "took my mama" or how I must love sin enough to spend eternity in hell or as they call it "hail".  Yes, this was just another typical day in the life of the Crazy Atheist in Florida.

Stick around if you want to feel much better about your job.  There are plenty more adventures to come.