"Whatever You Want it to be"

As a kid one of my favorite movies was Pretty Woman.  I had no idea what a prostitute was or why people treated her badly, but I knew I didn't like those mean uppity store clerks.  When Edward asks Vivian what her name is, her response is "whatever you want it to be."

Fast forward many years later and I still refer to that quote especially when talking about my clients and religion.  As a person who works around death you can imagine the emotionally charged situations I find myself in every day.  When dealing with the death of a loved one many people lean on faith.  This makes perfect sense to me.  That's why I never let my lack of faith be known to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one.  At that time my religion is "whatever they want it to be".

My grandmother is the perfect example.  Being already very religious, the death of my mother really pushed my grandmother further and further into her place of comfort.  This presented a problem for me.  My religious friends accused me of being hypocritical because I refused to debate religion with my grandmother. Though I welcome any debate under regular circumstances. My grandmother, in her infinite grief, wanted to believe that my mother was in Heaven and communicating with her through various "supernatural" occurrences.  (By "supernatural" I mean not in the least bit supernatural by my standards).

Though I did not think that a hopping bunny (no, I'm not kidding)  was a sign that my mother was trying to communicate with my grandmother, I pretended I did.  Every time my well meaning and obviously distraught grandmother regaled me with stories of my mothers "visits" I listened and agreed.  Did I feel a bit dirty doing this?  Sure, but it wasn't about me.  It was about a sweet old woman who lost her only daughter without any warning.

Losing a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother.  I can't imagine anything worse and I don't even have any children.  Though I lost a mother, my grandmother lost her daughter and in my eyes that was far worse.

Death is difficult regardless of what faith you follow or don't follow.   What we all have in common regardless of faith is the desire to be with those we love.  While I may not believe that there is life after death, I must admit that part of me wants there to be. I want my grandmother to be with her daughter again just as much as I want to see my mother again.  This desire is as innate as the love between a parent and child.  The difference is that I recognize the desire as a natural, not a supernatural one.

My problem with religion is when it screws with that innate desire.  When a child commits suicide, the parents are expectantly distraught.  The worst thing a person of faith could hear is that their loved one will not be awaiting them in Heaven.  I sat in the other room whilst a pastor (and family friend) told roughly 150 guests at a child's funeral that this kid would get into Heaven only because he had dedicated his life to Jesus prior to committing the ultimate sin.  As if these parents should be grateful that their pastor decided Jesus would let him into Heaven because he was worthy in His (or the pastor's) eyes.

When a tragedy occurs in a family it is not the time to impart religious will.  I have repeated the "he is in a better place" mantra in various forms over a thousand times.  I tell people that I think life kind of sucks (which is true) and that what comes next MUST be better than this (though not necessarily true). I tell mourners what they need to hear because, again, it is not about me. 

Perhaps if more of us were able to suspend judgement or at least suspend the desire to voice it once in a while we would all be better off.  If you believe you will see the love of your life again in the great beyond, I agree with you.  If you believe that death is the ultimate end, I agree with you.  I will be whatever you want me to be because in that moment its not about religion and its not about me.