Outted At Work

"I didn't know you were one of those," J (so I will call her) pulled me aside and whispered (though no one was around).
"One of what?" I asked.
"One of those horrible people", she whispered.  J looked at me like I was supposed to know what she was talking about.  Obviously I didn't, but was curious about where this was going.
"I'm a terrible person," I joked, "but you have to be more specific my dear."
"You know, one of those who don't believe in," she lowered her voice, "in... God"

Oh Fuck!  Not this again!  My atheism is truly the worst kept secret in my company.  Yet, when someone "outs" me I get to hear it all over again.  Sometimes I wish I could just send out a newsletter.  No, I don't eat babies and yes, I have heard about Jesus (emphasis on the Je).  I am sure that most atheists don't have such a difficult time "coming out" but then again most atheists probably don't work in a funeral home, in Florida, where her average coworker is in his 70s and carries some sort of religious designation (Deacon, Reverend, Pastor, etc.)

Everyday I come to work surprised that no one I work with has peacefully "gone to see Jesus" in his sleep. Suffice it to say, my view of the world is not a popular one amongst those who are closer to the grave than I by many decades.  It's not that I want anyone to die. Though I must confess that I, too, want the rapture to come about.  Since that would eliminate my having to defend my beliefs every minute of every day.  Oh, the time I would save!

So, how did I get "outed"? Well, it, started when I was asked the dreaded question, "What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church." I hoped that would be the end of it.  It wasn't.
"Why not?" Mr. Significantly Older than me asked
"Because I don't believe in God."

Holy Shit ( pun intended) you would think that I had just confessed to being a pedophile. It was the comment heard round the world (or at least the funeral home).  Little did I know I would be spending the next year and a half justifying why I don't believe in a magical baby born of a virgin on December 25.  How I didn't hate God because he "took my mama" or how I must love sin enough to spend eternity in hell or as they call it "hail".  Yes, this was just another typical day in the life of the Crazy Atheist in Florida.

Stick around if you want to feel much better about your job.  There are plenty more adventures to come.